forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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