So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
