my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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