i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
barbara walters just said penis...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
my being single is dangerous.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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