u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
