Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize