how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
