i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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