Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
