instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
