you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
