final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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