I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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