I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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