And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
