u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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