Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
