My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
