thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
