I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
