Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Randomize
