Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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