I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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