I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
