I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
