i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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