haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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