Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
