A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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