Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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