Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I wish you could order shots online.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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