Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
