Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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