I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I have tasted many bathrooms
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize