i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
