i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
