I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
