I showed him my bush... on skype.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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