well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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