just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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