he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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