Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
FUCK WHALES
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
