made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
