She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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