she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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