Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
