she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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