We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize