So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
