Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
