I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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