perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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