I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
