My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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