I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
