Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
