I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
