I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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