I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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