your thong is hanging out like whoa
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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