That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
