Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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