: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
