My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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