I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
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