coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
