Your face is a jimmy john
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
