god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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