my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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